Allison Holker Found tWitch’s Drug Stash After He Died: ‘He Was Hiding So Much’

Allison Holker, whose husband Stephen “tWitch” Boss took his own life two years ago, made a heartbreaking discovery after he died.

Opening up to People magazine, Holker shared that while looking through his closet with a friend to choose an outfit for his funeral, Allison discovered a “cornucopia” of drugs.

The stash, hidden in shoeboxes, included mushrooms, pills, and "other substances I had to look up on my phone.”

"It was a really triggering moment for me because there were a lot of things I discovered in our closet that I did not know existed,” she said. “It was very alarming to me to learn that there was so much happening that I had no clue [about]. It was a really scary moment in my life to figure that out, but it also helped me process that he was going through so much and he was hiding so much, and there must have been a lot of shame in that."

Holker thought they had “very honest” communication in their marriage, and she knew he would smoke or drink to decompress in their guest house after the kids went to bed. 

"That was his alone time. It was his time to recharge, and that was okay," she said.

Reading through his journals, Holker learned more about tWitch’s internal struggles.

"He was wrestling with a lot inside himself, and he was trying to self-medicate and cope with all those feelings because he didn't want to put it on anyone because he loved everyone so much," she said, adding that he alluded to childhood sexual abuse by a male figure. "He didn't want other people to take on his pain."

Allison said after reading his journals and the books he was reading at the time gave her a “better perspective of where he was in life and the types of things he was struggling with.” 

Holker shared, "It did have me feel a lot of empathy towards him and sadness for all the pain that he was holding."

She noticed he was more withdrawn and was showering less leading up to his death, but he had told her he was going through a low period.

Allison thought it was due to “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” as well as his time as a judge on “So You Think You Can Dance” both coming to an end.

In hindsight, Holker now thinks he was struggling with the balance between his public persona and his introverted self, and that his two sides were “battling.”

Allison also revealed that her daughter Weslie was the last person to see Boss before his suicide. As he dropped her off at school, he told the teen, "I wish I could be your Superman."

Holker said, "Having someone say last words to you that you didn't really process at the time as being anything wrong... that's really hard, especially as a teenager.”

She went on, "She handles it with far more grace than she should have to. We took the steps to really help her and communicate with her and make her feel seen and heard. I think she also sees those words as something beautiful, and also ugly. It's a battle that she's going to always have with herself, but I know she can see it from both sides."

Now, Allison is hoping to help others with her memoir “This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light,” which comes out February 4. 

"I've learned there's so many other resources that a lot of people don't know about,” she said. “I've had so many people reach out to me needing to talk, and if I've learned anything, I've learned that mental health can impact anyone at any time of their life.”