Allison Holker Opens Up About Stephen ‘Twitch’ Boss’ Tragic Death

Allison Holker is speaking out about her husband Stephen “Twitch” Boss in her first interview since his tragic death.

Boss, a DJ and executive producer with “The Ellen DeGeneres Show,” took his own life in December.

Now, she tells People, "No one had any inkling that he was low. He didn't want people to know. He just wanted to be everyone's Superman and protector."

Holker explained, "It's been really hard because I can't understand what was happening in that moment [he died].” She said his passing has led to a “complex” mix of emotions from sorrow to disappointment to love to anger.

She recalled of the first few weeks after his death, "You're trying to help yourself and help your children and friends and family, and it took a toll. Literally getting up in the morning was getting harder and harder."

The dancer turned to cold-plunging — the practice of immersing yourself in cold water — at night to help release some of the tension.

"It's now a part of my daily practice," she said. "Spiritually and mentally, it's really helped as well."

As for their children Weslie, 14, and Zaia, 3, and Maddox, 7, she said, "I'm trying to teach them — and myself — that if you're angry or sad, it doesn't mean you're a bad person. We're coping together, and that requires trust and being really vulnerable."

She has left Stephen’s things in the house untouched and said, "He was such a family man, and there's so much of his love in this house.”

Holker also recalled stepping into her backyard and sending Boss a message after a difficult day in February.

"Stars are so important to me because that's where we believe he is,” she said. “I knew I wanted to have him find peace. I was under the stars by myself and I told him, 'I forgive you, and I hope you're with us.' Talking to him and expressing all those emotions of forgiveness and sadness but also love and joy was so healing."

The couple met on “So You Think You Can Dance,” and often danced together on Instagram.

She told the magazine, "I haven't danced yet. That's gonna be a big step for me, but I know that I'll get there. He's guiding me on this path."

As she works through the grief, she is committed to continuing his legacy. "Stephen brought so much joy to this world, and he deserves to be remembered as the beautiful man he was.”

Allison is doing that through the Move with Kindness Foundation, which supports mental health initiatives.

"We always hear, 'Reach out to the strongest people,' and I believe in that,” she said. “But I also want the messaging to be that if you're feeling low or depressed, it's okay to lean on someone else. Trust that people are still going to see you as that light even in your darkest moments."

She shared that it took her some time to find her way after he died.

"If I'm honest, when this happened I was really confused with what my new purpose was going to be," she said, adding, "Then I actually spoke to my friend, Andy Grammer, and I expressed to him, 'How am I going to still live out what I know is my purpose — love and joy — and has always been my family's purpose?'”

"He said, 'Allison, it's still your purpose. It just looks a bit different now — and it's a little more depth-filled.' I'll never forget that conversation because I feel like I knew it inside of me, but hearing it from a friend that I still have that purpose is helping me move forward as well."

She recalled, "I've had so many people — specifically men — reaching out to me, [saying] how they were so affected because they didn't realize how much they were holding on to and not expressing. I found that to be a lot to hold on to at first, but then I realized I want people to feel safe talking to me and to open up and understand that we have to support each other in these moments."

Holker continued, "I could allow myself to go to a really dark place right now, and that would be valid and fine. But I want to choose a different way for myself and the kids."