Reggie: "You know what I am? I'm your worst f**kin' nightmare, man. I'm a nigger with a badge which means I got permission to kick your f**kin' ass whenever I feel like it!"

Billy Ray Valentine: [after demonstrating some fake karate moves] "That's called the 'quart of blood' technique. You do that, a quart of blood will drop out of a man's body."

Axel Foley: "I'm not some hotshot from out of town, I'm a small reporter from 'Rolling Stone' magazine that's in town to do an exclusive interview with Michael Jackson that's gonna be picked up by every major magazine in the country. I was gonna call the article 'Michael Jackson Is Sitting on Top of the World,' but now I think I might as well just call it 'Michael Jackson Can Sit on Top of the World Just as Long as He Doesn't Sit in the Beverly Palm Hotel 'Cause There's No Niggers Allowed in There!'"

"There's something about the ice cream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can hear that sh*t from 10 blocks away. They don't hear their mothers calling but they hear that motherf**king ice cream truck. Ice cream man always drove extra blocks away. And I know he's seen us, but I think he just be in the car with his friends and say: [imitating the ice cream man] 'Watch me how fast I make these motherf**kers run.'"

Chandler Jarrell: "Yeah, well, ya' better have a spatula where we're goin' cause my ass is frozen to this yak."

Prince Akeem: "Fascinating! Semmi, look at this! America is great indeed. Imagine a country so free, one can throw glass on the streets!"

Marcus Graham: "Check it. Like Jet magazine. This is my mack daddie vibe I am giving you. In all its splendor."

Quick: "What would a woman that fine want in a big, fat, nasty, greasy, fat, stank, bloated, cheesy-backed, 12-sandwich-eatin' bastard?"

Reggie: "Hey, Jack! Thank you for a very pleasant day! Okay, I got no car, I got no money, and I'm gonna end the day off with this goddamn dope man's Uzi by my temple! Thank you, Jack! Look, this is Jack's day, why don't you just let Jack shoot me? Save your bullet! Jack, why don't you shoot me? Shoot me, Jack!"

Mama Klump: "I think I do remember hearing somethin' on TV about colon cleansin'. They say everyone should have one. I'm thinkin' about gettin' me an appointment and go down and get my colon cleansed thoroughly."Papa Klump: "You want your colon cleansed? Fine, I'm gonna clean mine! [Farts] There, my colon is clean. My colon is squeaky clean!"

Dr. John Dolittle: "You spend all your time here, right? Probably grab your naps curled up in the break room; Little occasional nookie with one of the interns in the closet. But I have a real life, and I'd appreciate it if you only call me down here when there's a REAL emergency. If one of my patients comes in carrying his own head, call me. If somebody comes in with a bicycle halfway up their ass, call me."

Kit: "White boys always get the Oscar. It's a known fact. Did I ever get a nomination? No! You know why? Cause I hadn't played any of them slave roles, and get my ass whipped. That's how you get the nomination. A black dude who plays a slave that gets his ass whipped gets the nomination, a white guy who plays an idiot gets the Oscar. That's what I need, I need to play a retarded slave, then I'll get the Oscar."

Donkey: "That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying talking donkey! You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Ha, ha! [pixie dust wears off] Uh-oh!"

Granny: "The other day I got out the shower and I bend down to reach for a towel, and I felt a sharp pain in my chest. Shot through my chest and up around my shoulder and down my spine. I thought 'Oh, Lord.' I thought I was dying. I bent over and looked, and I was standing on my own titty."

Donkey: "Oh, Shrek. Don't worry. Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you."

James 'Thunder' Early: "[singing] Jimmy want a rib! Jimmy want a steak! Jimmy want piece of yo chocolate cake!"

Rasputia: "[singing along with the radio] Don't you wish your girlfriend was as hot like me? Don't you wish your girlfriend was a FREAK like me?"

Donkey: "[Having just fallen from the sky] I haven't had a trip that bad since college!"

Gina Morrison (Elizabeth Banks): "That's my husband. He was a captain with the Navy."Dave: "I am a captain."Gina: "Really? A captain of what?"Dave: "I am a captain of crunch."

Donkey: "And I thought the waffle fairy was just a bedtime story!"