Happy Gilmore: [to his golf ball] "You little son of a bitch ball! Why you don't you just go HOME? That's your HOME! Are you too good for your HOME? ANSWER ME! SUCK MY WHITE A**, BALL!"

Bobby Boucher: "Now that's what I call high quality H2O."

Henry: "The Beach Boys? How nice of that man to give me a CD that will remind me of all the wonderful times I shared with his daughter. What an a**hole! [starts singing off key to 'Wouldn't It Be Nice,' then breaks out in tears] WHY would you do this to me? Oh my god, is he trying to tell me something?"

Barry: "At that restaurant, I beat up the bathroom. I'm sorry."

Robbie: "All right, remember-alcohol equals puke equals smelly mess equals nobody likes you!"

Billy Madison: "No, I will not make out with you. Did ya hear that? This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class. I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you. Go on with the chlorophyll."

Dave Buznik: "Five hour drive to find out mommy had a jelly bean removed from her nose... Glad I missed work. Can we eat now?"

Dr. Lars(Torsten Voges): "It's too early to know who's winning the fight: the medicine or the disease."George Simmons (Sandler): "Did anybody ever tell you, you have a very scary accent?"Dr. Lars: "You are a very funny man. I enjoy your movies."George: "And I enjoy all of your movies."Dr. Lars: [surprised] "Which movies?"George: "The ones where you try to kill Bruce Willis. Are you mad that you died at the end of 'Die Hard?'"

Chuck Levine: "The only thing I'm doing with my eyes is putting a bag over your head, you toothless moron!"

Sonny: "Having a kid is great... as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or speaking."

Marcus Higgins (David Spade): "Can you have sex with them when they're pregnant?"Lenny Feder (Sandler): "Well, McKenzie can because the baby thinks it's getting a Tootsie roll."

Skeeter Bronson: [looking over the kids' storybooks] "What do ya got here, anyways? 'Rainbow Alligator Saves the Wetlands'? Uh, no. 'The Organic Squirrel Gets a Bike Helmet'? I'm not reading these Communist books to you guys! Don't you got any real stories?"

Charlie Fineman: "I don't need to talk about her or look at pictures... 'cause the truth is, a lot of times, I see her... on the street. I walk down the street, I see her in someone else's face... clearer than any of the pictures you carry with you. I get that you're in pain, but you got each other. You got each other! And I'm the one who's gotta see her and the girls all the time. Everywhere I go! I even see the dog. That's how f**ked up I am!"

Michael Newman: "I guess when you combine mass quantities of cough syrup with yodels... you get acid."

John Clasky: "They should name a gender after you. Looking at you doesn't do it, staring is the only way that makes sense. And trying not to blink so you don't miss anything. And all of that and you're you. It's just that you are drop dead crazy gorgeous. So much so, that I'm actually considering looking at you again before we finish up here."