Howard Stern’s Hilarious Retelling of Jennifer Aniston & Justin Theroux’s Top Secret Wedding

Shock jock Howard Stern is spilling the beans on Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux's uber-private wedding!

Stern told his SiriusXM co-host Robin Quivers that he was one of the few in on the secret, because he was asked to give a speech.

"I was so nervous [to talk about it]. They're so secretive, those two," he said.

Stern added that leading up to the hush-hush ceremony, “It was always called a birthday party. Whenever you got an email, it was a birthday party. They're so secretive that they even had the wedding on a Wednesday because nobody gets married on a Wednesday... Everything is always top secret.”

The “America's Got Talent” judge said he got the crowd going with a funny speech focused on his complaints about the wedding.

"They had these little tiny chairs. There was a table, and then you sit down and the chairs were like poufs, like little pillow poufs," he told Quivers. "I'm 6-foot-f--king-5! I'm a grown man!"

He also grumbled that he had to turn over his cell phone at the door, adding that famed photographer Terry Richardson was the only one allowed to have a camera.

"Why can't I have my cell phone? I don't want to take a picture of you two! I really don't. I want my cell phone, so after I make this speech I can call my car and get the f**k outta here!" he said. "People were laughing at my misery."

"The irony is, I've been on vacation with those two, and they take pictures every f**king minute! They're constantly shooting pictures, but if I take a picture, I'm committing a sin!" he whined.

Howard added, “You go with these two, there's photographers every minute. I'm sitting by a pool in Mexico, and around where I sit is a sheet so photographers can't get a picture. So I've never actually seen Mexico. The view I have is a sheet every year… when you go on vacation with people and aren't allowed to leave the house, you really get to know people."

Stern also gushed over the couple, saying, "I talked about some personal stuff, too. I complimented Justin's mother on raising such a wonderful son," he said. "I love him. I told Jennifer that she deserved a guy like this, because after all, she's been very sweet and generous with us, but Justin and his body. His abs, his ass. Look at him. I'm giddy over him! Although Orlando Bloom blows him away."

As it so happened, Stern was sitting right next to Orlando Bloom, and didn't even know it. "So this really handsome guy is sitting next to me at the table. This f--king guy. He's like better-looking than Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, and Tom Cruise all rolled into one," the veteran DJ told Quivers. "So I'm sitting and talking to this guy -- interesting dude. We're hitting it off and talking for a long time. I said, 'What is your name?' He says, 'Orlando.'"

Apparently, Stern even attempted to set up a tryst between Orlando and Whitney Cummings! Read the funny story here.

Stern confirmed the other A-listers in attendance, including Courteney Cox, Chelsea Handler, Ellen DeGeneres, Tobey Maguire and Jimmy Kimmel.

"Jimmy was the preacher," Stern revealed. "He did a beautiful job. I didn't think he'd get through it. Jimmy's still depressed about that lion getting killed over in Africa.”

He added that Jennifer and Justin's first dance was to a Sia song, and called it “very romantic.”