Kourtney Kardashian Says Filming ‘KUTWK’ Became ‘Toxic’

Kourtney Kardashian is the cover star for March’s Bustle magazine!

In her feature, she opens up about her experience shooting “Keeping Up with the Kardashians,” her family’s new show on Hulu, and her therapy journey.

The popular E! show she starred on along with her sisters, mom, and the rest of her family ran on the network for 20 seasons, premiering October 14, 2007. On it, we got to know Kourtney for her witty comebacks and deadpan sarcastic comments, but it seems there was more going on beneath the surface.

In her Bustle interview, the petite brunette shares how she really felt about shooting the show, saying, “Shooting our show, it became a really toxic environment at the end for me. There was, like, just a lot going on. And even for me personally, I wasn’t in the happiest place.”

“I would give myself a pep talk before walking in… like, say we were shooting at Khloé’s house,” Kourtney continues. “I’d be like, ‘It’s gonna be a good day. Let’s have a good mood. Let’s out a smile on our face.’”

The eldest Kardashian sister not only struggled toward the end, but it seems she had some hesitation to sign on for the show back at the beginning. She told Bustle, “I actually felt uncomfortable being the center of attention. It just makes me nervous.”

Mom Kris Jenner confirmed Kourtney’s apprehension to agreeing to sign on for the show in 2007. Jenner says, “When I made the deal with Ryan Seacrest and E! to do ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians” [in 2007], she was probably the only one who had a bit of hesitation. Kourtney said, ‘Wait a second. Do I want to jump in?’”

As we know, she did eventually agree to do the show and entertain us with her zingers, but Kardashian’s worry in regard to being on the show didn’t stop. She explained how once she was on the show, her indecision began to show, saying, “I just used to be really indecisive… I felt I had to poll a lot of people to help me decide things… I think it was in a time when I maybe felt more insecure or not in the greatest relationships.”

She also confesses in the interview that she didn’t always cope with her indecisiveness in the best way, telling the magazine, “I was used to always being a b---- and have no feelings.”

But it seems with time, she began to feel more confident. During the last two years of the show, she made the choice to begin her therapy journey. She admits, “It made me really sensitive. And normally I'd have a really good comeback [to insults], like, ‘Well, you're covered in cellulite.’ But then I would be like, ‘I have nothing mean to say. I'm not a b---- anymore, and I just have feelings; like, an abundance of them’… I would just start crying all the time.”

And she’s definitely feeling herself now, as fans have seen her much happier during her whirlwind romance with and engagement to Travis Barker. But if her previous experience on the show wasn’t great, it’s surprising that she’s agreed to be on her family’s new show on Hulu. However, it looks like the break between the two shows has helped the mom of three to heal. She explains, “Having the break shifted the mindset with my sisters… When you’re doing that [show] every single day, you don’t have the space to take a break and be like, ‘Wait, we actually love each other.’”

She seems excited for her new show to come out, joking, “There’s no one I’d rather spend time with than my sisters... It's so funny because there was a little tease for our new show... and I saw people in the comments like, ‘Kourtney is already over the show. She looks miserable.’ I just find it funny... Work-wise, I’m happier than I’ve ever been.”

It also seems that her family now understands where Kourtney stands on taking control of her life and knows how to support her better this time around.

Kris Jenner elaborates, “I think that we had to realize that not everyone is going to have that thing that kick-starts every morning at 5:00 AM and runs until you fall down at the end of the day. And that's me, that's Khloé, that's Kim, that's Kylie, that's Kendall. And I think maybe we just expected to drag Kourtney right there along with us, whether she liked it or not, kicking and screaming. And she just had to say, ‘Look, I want to set some boundaries. I have one life and I'd like to live it the way I want to live it.’”